Release the Kraken!

In the event of the zombie apocalypse, what would be your battle plan? Who would you bring? What would you use as a weapon? Would you last past the first few hours?

I hate giving away my strategy for the zombie apocalypse, but since you asked...

The most important part of my plan is the prep work to be done well before they're actually walking the streets. Using my radio connections, I'll install giant speakers underground that will rise above ground when the apocalypse happens. Barricaded in my station studio and knowing zombies' love for pop music, I'll air some "Thriller" first, just to see them dance. And then I'll suddenly switch from pop to the opposite of pop - country. Upon hearing the horribleness in their picky and decaying ears, they'll simply disintegrate.

The people I would bring? Well that's easy! Much like former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee's policy on illegal immigration, I'll just place Chuck Norris between me and the baddies. But to make it a little easier for his 70-year-old self, I'll also enlist the help of Bruce Campbell (totally loved Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe, by the way) and Bruce Willis. These two would be affectionately known as the Backup Bruces while Chuck's code name would be The Kraken. Mostly because I want to go all Liam Neeson and epically scream "Release the Kraken!" My command would confuse the zombies as they would be looking for a giant monster, when what they should be fearing is the possibility that the combined awesomeness of Chuck and the Bruces may cause the world to explode. Having those three is a big risk, but I think it's worth it.

Based on the two previous steps, there wouldn't be much need for a personal weapon. Not many, if any at all, will survive both the music treatment and my team of defenders. But like all my fellow ninjas, I'll use whatever is within arm's reach to my advantage. I can blind them with post-its over their eyes, staple their noggins, and tape their legs together. Then I can beat them with mic stands and office chairs while making Star Wars light saber sounds, you know, to make it fun!

And would I last the first few hours? Two words: Duh! Winning!

Anyone else have good questions? Leave a comment on my Ask Mandy post. I'll be writing up the next answers soon!

How to Bathe a Kitty

One of our cats is super old and apparently has become unable to bath herself properly. Poor thing. We tried using those special waterless baths in a bottle for kittehs and even some wipe thingies, but they didn't work too well. So we had to actually give her a water bath. And now I shall pass on my tips to you, just in case you ever find yourself in a position to bath a particularly angry cat.

How to bathe a kitty

1. Find a dirty kitty. And I mean really dirty. Even if your cat has just rolled around in in the most disgusting places in your yard, it may not be worth it. Instead, wait to see if your cat gets really super dirty and stays that way for a while. Only then should you attempt such a dangerous mission.

2. Grab the kitty and hold it at arm's length. I understand you want to comfort it and love on it and tell it that it'll all be ok. But as soon as you bring it anywhere near the bathtub, it will try its best to dig its sharp claws in to whatever is nearest. AKA, your flesh. And then you'll never get it in the tub if its arms are wrapped around you and secured indefinitely by surprisingly large talons.

3. Have one person hold the cat in place in the water while the other one does the washing. And that one person should make the cat face the wall so the temptation to claw its way out is lessened. Know that if it even thinks it sees the door, it will bolt for it and drip water all down your hallway, on your coffee table, and in those unreachable places under your couch.

4. Pour water on the kitty and rub it gently. Try not to focus on all the unknown stuff coming off the cat and dispersing in your water. You don't want to know. And if it seems like the kitty is kind of enjoying the bath, it's not true. It's faking, hoping that you'll loosen your grip and giving it a chance to bolt for it and drip water all down your hallway, on your...

5. After a sufficient cleansing, wrap your soaked kitty in a towel that is still warm from the dryer. Massage gently until much of the water has been absorbed. And then let the cat go and enjoy laughing as it shakes its paws.

6. Leave the angry feline alone for an hour and then enjoy your clean, fresh-smelling kitty!

Now that I'm done giving you all my hard-earned wisdom, I need to go nurse a wound. Who knew claws could go that deep!?!?